Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
