Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
