you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
