i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
