Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So much Jack, so little girl.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
