How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
