note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
