Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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