If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
