A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
