I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.