Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom