How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
