Redeem this text for a blowjob
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
