I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
