There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.