You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
