just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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