There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
