I can tuck mytits in my pants
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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