He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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