he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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