I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
