Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
