It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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