You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
