sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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