Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
