dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
