just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
