so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
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This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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