He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
i now understand why vodka
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
