Banned from zoo.
Again?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
