Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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