I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
