Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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