what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
