Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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