There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
