it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
