Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
