my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
