I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
