I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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