Old men and throwing up are my life now.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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