You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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