I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
