he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
