the new term for farting is butt boxing.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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