I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
