I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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