so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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