i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
