How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
