he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
