WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
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