but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
