The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
